Dateline: March 98

The Background

During my Navy career and for some time afterwards, I was a heavy drinker as were many of my friends and shipmates. At first alcohol seemed to be my friend, but somewhere down the line it turned on me. A lot of shipmates have trudged down that same road. One incident in particular remains fresh in my mind today. One of my radiomen on the USS Polk had a drinking problem that had progressed further than mine. I remember covering for him on many occasions even to standing his watch. At the time, I thought I was being a good friend and shipmate. Was I ever wrong. He later made chief and was assigned to SUBPAC staff in Hawaii. He was caught drunk on duty while standing Command Duty Officer watch and kicked out of the Navy with 17 years of service. He was on the E8 selection list. I understand now, that it would have been far kinder to have confronted him in that earlier time and forced him into treatment. I hope this story will help some of my shipmates and keep them from making those same mistakes.

Today my life is full of joy and peace. I have a wonderful family, a good job, and the serenity of living one day at a time. A few short years ago, I was on the verge of loosing my job. My wife and family had given up on me and departed for greener pastures. I was isolated, alone, and afraid. I blamed everything and everyone else for my problems, but the problem was me. This is My Story, sometimes painful, sometimes sad, but in the end worthwhile. It contains my strength, experience, and hope.

The Story

I entered this life at 7 1/2 lb., on April 2, 2026 in my grandmother's home in Amagansett, Long Island, NY, USA. At the time my father was overseas (World War II was still going on). We moved around quite a bit in my early years, New York, Illinois and Rhode Island, where we ended up and where I went through my formative years.

I remember having problems in my second year of schooling. My teacher said that I had a learning problem and that I was unable to comprehend simple spelling or language. (Attention Deficit Disorder was not a by-word in those days) I remember my father buying a dictionary and forcing me to study it by the hour, basically memorizing the words from A to Z. (Dysfunction was also not a by-word in 1951) He then, paraded my new knowledge for the benefit of my teacher.

My father believed in not "Sparing the Rod" and I received what were called spankings frequently for my misbehavior. I was scared to death of the dreaded "Black Belt". When I was fourteen my father and I had a knock down, physical fight. He would knock me down and I would get back up and come at him again only to be floored once more. This was the last time he ever hit me. I remember thinking that if he ever tried to hit me again, I would kill him.

I don't remember ever having a real positive image of myself when I was younger, The picture of me that I remember is a skinny kid with big ears who had trouble making friends. I used to get in a lot of fights; there was plenty of rage bottled up inside of me even then. I was always adequate in school, getting by, but never the "Good Student". My father always had dreams of my doing better than he did and pushed me very hard toward a college education. I started Bryant Business College in 1963, but only lasted three months before I got tired of that and joined the Navy in November.

My father never kept much liquor at home, however there was always a big gallon bottle of grape wine in the Fridge. I used to sneak a slug of that every now and then and I remember the feeling of warmth and general well being that almost immediately followed. I did not start serious drinking until after I joined the Navy at 18 years of age.

After joining the Navy in 1963 and completing basic training (Great Lakes), I received orders to Radioman "A" School in Bainbridge, MD. They had a club called Fiddler's Green where an 18 year old could drink 3.2 draft beer. I became a frequent patron. In addition, there were a few bars in the area that would serve a sailor in uniform without checking for ID.

I don't remember ever drinking socially after I joined the Navy. I always drank to get high and once I started, it was Katy bar the door. I could never drink just one; the first one almost always led to the second, the third, ad-infinitum. A friend and I traveled to New York one weekend, where the drinking age was 18 and commenced a two-day drinking binge. We didn't have a lot of money so we each brought a couple of bottles of Thunderbird wine and started drinking in Washington Square Park in Greenwich Village. I vaguely remember being baptized in the park fountain by some religious folks, but the rest of that night was a blank until I awoke in my skivvies on a hard wooden bench inside the local police station. Needless to say, I received a Captains Mast when I arrived back in Bainbridge. However, the fine was light, and I soon put the incident behind me. In the days when I first joined the Navy, drinking was not only tolerated, it was expected. The attitude was, "Work Hard - Play Hard", but show up for quarters on time. As long as you made it to work at the expected time, drinking was overlooked and covered up.

After (somehow) completing "A" school, I received orders for Athens, Greece. There was no age limit in Greece and you could get whatever you wanted as long as you could pay for it. We arrived at the airport in Athens and while waiting for the bus to take our group to the base, I ordered spaghetti and Wine at the airport restaurant. And more wine, and more wine, etc. By the time the bus came for us I was loaded. This was my introduction to Athens and for the next two years this pattern continued.

During my stay in Greece, I became an accomplished drinker. My tolerance level had increased and I could consume more and still maintain the appearance of being sober. Although, I still drank wine (The September wine festival in Daphne was an event I never missed), I gradually switched to the hard stuff. At that time Rum based drinks was my favorite. There were many incidents where I got in trouble due to my drinking, one at a local bar where I almost got shot. I got drunk on watch one night and drove the Navy Van to pick up the relief watch. I rolled the vehicle over and totaled it out. This was my second Captains Mast. I received a slap on the wrist and didn't even have to pay for the damages. As I said before, the Navy's attitude in those days was extremely tolerant.

There was so much craziness during my Naval career (21 years), it would fill up an entire book, so I will just highlight a few of the events that shaped my life.

While stationed in Norfolk, Virginia, I started receiving my first traffic violations. Of course this is due to the fact that I now had my first personal vehicle. I received two reckless driving and my first Driving While Intoxicated (DWI) charge. The DWI cost me my license for one year and I also spent four days in the local jail.

During this time and actually during the entire time I was drinking, I was also very promiscuous. I cruised bars to drink and to pick up women. I very seldom slept with the same lady twice. It seemed that I was always looking for the "Greener Grass". I believe this had a lot to due with my intimacy problems. Whenever someone got too close to me, I would drop them like a rock. It was as if there had to be something wrong with anyone who was interested in or liked me. Although, I projected a macho, bold front to the outside world, I basically did not feel very good about myself.

In 1968 I answered a personal add in a magazine and then traveled to West Virginia, to meet the lady who became my first wife. On my second visit with Pat, I proposed and we were married two months later. My wife also had a family background involving physical abuse and alcoholism. I began cheating in our marriage after only one month. The frequency of my drinking was also steadily increasing all during this time.

I received another drunk driving citation while stationed in Jacksonville, Florida. There were many more problems and incidents created by my drinking, however, I still did not think I had a problem. I did not believe that someone who owned a home, had two cars, a good job, a family, etc. could possibly be an alcoholic. I could always point to the people I associated and drank with as having the problem or being much worse than me, "Bob really drinks too much". Of course I never hung around any "Social Drinkers".

I should point out that the Navy was the perfect career for me. I would be transferred to another station every two or three years (Where I could start over again). All of my life I tried running away from me, but I could not run fast or far enough to succeed.

After retiring from the Navy in 1984, I tried several jobs with government contractors, finally landing with a company in Maryland. My drinking by now had become a major part of my life. I drank almost daily and sometimes had binges lasting several days. Blackouts now became a part of my life. I would wake up (come to) and not know where I had been or what I had done. I would also wake up in bed with strangers, not knowing where I had met them or how I came to be with them.

My wife had stayed with me through all of this time, and quite naturally we developed a co-dependent relationship. We were like two strangers living in adjoining apartments. I went my way, mostly ignoring my family except where unavoidable. Pat of course, had the job of cleaning up my messes and trying to keep things going. On the outside, to the rest of the world we were Mr. and Mrs. Average America. On the inside there was a lot of pain in both of our lives.

My house of cards finally collapsed on September 9, 1989, when I received my third drunk driving charge in Maryland. I registered a .24 on the Blood Alcohol test (.1 was considered legally drunk). I remember sitting in my truck, the tears rolling down my face, finally defeated. It was as if a voice inside my head was talking to me. The voice told me everything would be okay, and I surrendered at that moment to a sense of peace I had not felt before. This was my first encounter with a Power Greater than myself.

A couple of days after my wife bailed me out of the local jail, I hired a lawyer; as I knew that, this time I was facing a lengthy spell in prison and permanent loss of my driving license. My Higher Power was again at work for me, the lawyer had extensive experience with alcoholics and arranged for me to visit with a Maryland Social Services, Substance Abuse Counselor. For some reason, (I still don't know why) I found myself telling this person the truth and how I really felt inside.

I was enrolled in several state outpatient programs, including the drunk driver school. I was also required to attend and get verifying signatures for at least 5 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings a week (multiple offender program). Due to postponements, my court trial date did not come up until after I had been in treatment for over six months. This turned out to be another blessing, as I was given "Parole before Judgment" and allowed to keep my driver's license because of the favorable letter I received from State Social Services. (I had been dry for the entire six months and attended an average of 10 to 12 AA meetings a week. I had a sponsor and appeared to be actively working a recovery program. I had also enrolled in another state program by then called "Relapse Prevention Therapy".)

I say appeared to be working a recovery program, because actually I was just dry. I hadn't taken any steps toward growing (up), or changing my life style of any kind, least of all spiritual. I was still cheating on my wife, I was still selfish, abusive, and still hurting on the inside. What helped keep me from drinking during that first nine months was knowing that if I got caught with alcohol in my system, (Social Services ran random breath and urinalysis testing on me) I would get at least two years of prison time. I was in a lot of denial at the time.

After nine months in Alcoholics Anonymous and attending the state programs, I had acquired a lot of new knowledge but had not progressed very far in sobriety. My wife found out about yet another affair, I was having and decided that enough was enough. We legally separated at this time. My job was also suffering, my boss had stated that my performance was really slipping and that if it did not improve, I would not be working there very much longer. In addition, since I never really used my sponsor other than as a prop, to prove to others that I had one, he asked me to find another sponsor as he felt that he wasn't doing me much good.

I had thought that night sitting in my truck was as bad as I could possibly feel. I was wrong! I had finally reached a bottom low enough to propel me into action. Anything to relieve the feelings I was going through. Taking my pride in hand, I called Mike (my sponsor) and told him that I really wanted what I saw in him, would he consider taking me back again? I asked him, "What do I need to do"? I remember clearly his answer, "You might try actually working the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous".

I began to participate in the program. I became active in service work. I began to use my sponsor, calling him frequently. I began to attend literature meetings and to read the Big-Book and daily reflections. "I began to Pray". I had finally accepted that I was powerless over Alcohol and many other things. I came to believe that there was "A Power" greater than me and that I could ask for and receive help, I didn't have to do it on my own.

My life began to change; I began to change. Everything started looking better, brighter. I wrote my story down on paper for the first time in my fourth step (All the gory details) and then shared that with my Higher Power and another person (My Sponsor). I had thought that if anyone ever found out what I was really like on the inside, they wouldn't want anything to do with me. Wrong again, Mike helped me though the rough spots, telling me his story, and he "still wanted to be my sponsor", amazing. I have had several sponsors since Mike, but I will always feel closest to my first sponsor. I love that man with all my heart; he saved my life!

In my second year of sobriety, I began my spiritual journey in earnest. I began to turn my life over to the care of God (As I understood him/her - for me God has no Gender). With the help of my sponsor I compiled a list of all those people I had harmed or hurt and became willing to make amends to them where I could, without hurting them or others. I have found this to be a lifetime job.

My first amends were to my family, who had been hurt most deeply by my past behavior. I can not go back and undo the past but I can live today with love and understanding of others. By this time (sobriety year three), a final divorce degree had already been granted, however, I could provide for the support of my son and also supplement my ex-wife's income enough to provide them with a comfortable standard of living. I had learned enough about responsibility by then, to do this because it was the right thing to do, not because of any legal proceedings. I had talked with Pat, and asked her how much she thought she would need to provide a comfortable living for herself and Richard. I began to pay back all my monetary debts to others as well. I tried to be as supportive as I could be in Pat's upbringing of our son. Both of us had agreed not to put Richard in the middle of our problems, but to help him realize and understand that both of his parents loved him and that he was not to blame and played no part in our separation.

I continue to pray and take a daily personal inventory, and when I am wrong (try to) promptly admit it (sometimes this takes a little longer - I am no-where near perfect yet!) I have been on a spiritual journey to find myself in growth and service to others, as I believe that is God's purpose for me. I daily seek a closer understanding of my spirit self/higher power and try to live in God's will. This does not mean that I have given up on free-will. I know that I have choices to make and my higher power does not do for me what I can accomplish for myself. (God, Grant me the courage to change the things that I can). However, I have stopped fighting those things that I can not change (God, Grant me the serenity to accept those things I can not change).

After four years in sobriety, having moved to Savannah, Georgia, I remarried to a remarkable woman. She is my friend, my confidant, my spiritual advisor, and my lover (some job hey?). What is even more amazing to me is to realize how far I have come since I first put the cork in the bottle. If someone had told me 10 years ago that in 1997, that I would not be drinking, trying to be of service to others, and living in the Deep South, as half of an inter-racial couple; I would have thought they were living in The Land of OZ..

Today I sponsor newcomers to the program, work with groups, provide institutional services, and bring meetings to recovery and halfway houses. My life today is full of joy and serenity. I can't tell "you" if you are an alcoholic or addict, only you know that. But, I can tell you that today I feel better about myself than I ever did before. The compulsion/craving to drink is gone. I feel useful and my life has a purpose that did not exist before I surrendered to a power greater than myself. I could not get sober by myself, I tried to quit on my own many times in the past, but with the help of others, the higher power did for me what I could not do for myself.

May God bless you and keep you,

Richard T.

Until next week, I bid you "Fair Winds and Following Seas."

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